


Panic

by ImmortalCoelacanth



Category: Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Benrey has ptsd get this man some therapy stat, Benrey is not okay, Blood, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Joshua is a sweet boy who just wants to help this sad man, Mild Angst, Panic Attacks, descriptions of Gordon's arm getting cut off, discussions of fear, traumatic flashbacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:20:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28252308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImmortalCoelacanth/pseuds/ImmortalCoelacanth
Summary: There were only three things that Benrey was truly scared of. The first, skeletons. The second was Gordon hating him. The third…Was the sound of Joshua crying.
Relationships: Benrey & Joshua Freeman
Comments: 6
Kudos: 83





	Panic

**Author's Note:**

> Here I am flicking back through my massive collection of wips and slowly chipping away at them since I have some neat ideas stashed away I want to actually finish and not just leave in limbo for ten thousand years XD

Fear. 

An emotion Benrey had little to no experience with. 

Of course, that did not mean that he never felt fear, but it was rare for something to make him feel afraid. Pain never frightened him due to his natural healing abilities, considered to be more of an annoyance than something bad, nor was he scared of death. 

Being able to respawn had its benefits, after all. 

It was somewhat ironic that he had only started to feel fear, genuine fear, after sneaking into Black Mesa and taking on the role of being a security guard. In the darkness of those labs he had seen _something._

Something that reminded him of why he had fled in the first place. A flashback to the moment he had first felt that heart-stopping, nauseating sense of dread and fear. 

Benrey was scared of skeletons. Not just his own in that metaphorical closet, but of those that followed and watched. The ones whose whispered words floated through the air, indecipherable to all but him. 

Their promises and threats. 

Skeletons never forgot. 

… Working at Black Mesa had also brought about more chances for him to interact with the local humans, and not so humans, that he worked with. Most of them were pretty bland, sounding monotonous and bored, but he had managed to make friends with some of the more… _explosive_ , and energetic personalities. 

Like Gordon.

His introduction and subsequent interactions with Gordon brought about his second experience with fear. Not that he was scared of the man, despite all the times Gordon had shot at him or threatened him. It was like watching an angry kitten hiss and spit. 

Adorable, and not at all threatening. 

No, his fear revolved around Gordon _hating_ him. Disliking him, fighting with him, and all those other icky negative feelings. The anger that had taken over the earlier part of their budding friendship had been… painful, to say the least. Every time he interacted with Gordon, he felt scared. 

Scared in a way that he had never felt when interacting with others. Scared he would mess up and never be able to fix his mistake. Scared he would _hurt_ Gordon-

_And he had._

It was awful feeling such a way, looking back and cringing at how his fear tainted nearly every interaction he had with Gordon. How hard he had pushed for friendship, for companionship, without really conveying his intentions or how he felt. It was something he still struggled with, discussing things that seemed obvious to so many people but were confusing, downright alien, to him. 

But, in the end, everything had worked out alright and he had managed to apologize for the pain he had caused and what he had done, and Gordon had apologized as well. A welcome surprise that helped set their relationship down a more positive path, even if that fear still lurked in the back of his mind. 

Fortunately, Gordon was there to reassure him and help work through any problems. 

His third source of fear, funnily enough, involved Gordon’s son, Joshua. 

Joshua Freeman. 

Like his father, Benrey was not scared of the young boy. In all actuality, he cared about him immensely. Little Joshie was a bro, a cool cat, and the second human Benrey had found himself truly caring for. They were not _quite_ family, but those protective instincts were there. 

The want to keep Joshua safe, to make sure he was happy and healthy no matter what.

Which was why Benrey was so, very scared. 

Kids were small, _fragile,_ and that made it all the easier for them to get hurt, or die. Plus some kids could be downright _nasty_ to their peers, something Benrey had learned about first hand when the school had contacted Gordon about a _situation_. Things were fine now, but the immense amount of dread and worry, the _fear_ , that had filled Benrey upon learning about what happened had been… something, to say the least. 

Gordon needed to fix a total of four, thankfully small, holes in the ceiling afterwards. 

It would not be correct to say that Benrey hovered over Joshua as his protective feelings culminated in a sort of awareness. He did not hover, but he was _aware_ of the young boy, aware of where he was and what he was doing. There were times where he was even aware of Joshua’s heartbeat. 

Something that helped quite a bit when Benrey was awake and Joshua was caught in a nightmare. 

Funnily enough, these traits made Benrey the perfect fit for acting as a sort of babysitter when Gordon had to go out and leave Joshua at home. Since the boy already had a slight grasp on how to take care of himself, such as making sandwiches with leftovers and how to clean up after himself, it made the whole “watching over the kid and keeping him from dying” significantly easier.

… Granted, Benrey still had to take a crash course on what not to do when taking care of human kids. 

_Accidental toxin consumption, drowning in a tub, tripping and cracking their head on something-_

Kids were just _so. Damn. Fragile._

Fear, fear, and more fear. The fear that something would happen to Joshua when he was not paying attention. The fear of what might happen, the dozens of possible situations. Fires and explosions, and sudden earthquakes-

Babysitting was a bit of a challenge for Benrey, to say the least. 

Fortunately, Joshua was a pretty responsible kid with a good head on his shoulders, and while there was the occasional mishap that would occur, it was never anything too serious. 

… Until now, that is. 

Things had been going smoothly, Joshua and Benrey were gaming together while Gordon was out with Shea completing whatever important information thingy they needed to do. Benrey knew that it involved Joshua in some regard, something involving his sleep therapist? Maybe? Whatever it was, the young boy had not expressed an interest in going, so it had been decided that Benrey would watch over him until Gordon came back. 

A simple plan that was easy to execute. Just make sure Joshie ate, did his homework, and didn’t get too bored. 

Simple, that is, until Benrey heard the sounds of Joshua crying in another room. 

He immediately jumped up out of the chair he had been seated in and sprinted towards where the sounds were coming from. He quickly noted that the crying was coming from Joshua’s room, and without hesitating he ran inside. 

There he found the young boy seated on the carpeted floor, one leg bent and tucked up against his chest while his arms were tightly wrapped around it. His hands were clasped tightly over his wounded knee and his head, which had previously been facing the ground, snapped up to stare at Benrey. 

Tears were already falling out of the corner of Joshie’s eyes. It made him cringe at the sight, discomfort building up within him. 

“it’s gonna be okay, joshie bro.” Benrey soothed as he crouched down in front of the crying boy, looking him in the eye while sending him what he hoped was a reassuring smile that conveyed none of his worries. “gonna get you fixed up lickity split.” 

Okay, Joshie was hurt, but Gordon had given him an overview on how to fix cuts and scrapes. First he had to check it out, then he had to clean it, and then slap a bandaid or some other bandage on it depending on the size. Easy problem, easy fix-

Benrey’s train of thought came to an abrupt halt as his eyes landed on the boy’s scraped knee, fixating on the droplets of blood that were slowly budding up with the occasional droplet rolling down and leaving a streak of crimson in its wake. 

Blood, _blood-_

_Gordon, hunched over and full of panic, of fear. Eyes wide in the gloom as the soldiers manhandled him, pinning him in place. His struggling._

_His pleading._

_His screaming as the blade dug into his arm, blood spurting out of the freshly made wound. The stench of copper permeating the air._

_Tommy desperately trying to get to Gordon, Coomer holding the other man back before he got hurt._

_The cracking sound of bone breaking._

_Gordon dropping to the ground, screams reaching a pitch higher than Benrey thought possible._

_An arm, discarded, as the pool of blood around the nearly unconscious man grew._

_It was all_ **_his fault-_ **

Unbeknownst to Benrey, Joshua had quickly picked up on the change in his mood. He sniffled, wiped his eyes once more, and took stock of the situation. Benrey _definitely_ looked upset, and was still staring at his knee. 

First he stood up, wincing as a sharp sting of pain jolted through his knee, but he ignored it in favour of focusing on Benrey. The man’s breathing was quick and raspy, his skin pale, and it looked like he was sweating. He seemed to be staring at some very far away, trembling the entire time. 

It reminded Joshua of something his father had gone through, a panic attack. He knew his dad took medication for it sometimes, but he knew it would be a bad idea to give Benrey some. 

You never, _ever_ gave someone medication that did not belong to them. An important lesson both his parents had instilled in him. 

Fortunately, his dad has also been taught different things that would help calm him down, which he had then passed on to Joshua. Surprisingly enough, the young boy found them to be useful when he was feeling quite anxious, so if they helped him and helped his dad, then it made sense that maybe those methods would help Benrey too!

But before he could help Benrey, he needed to help himself and fix whatever had caused the man to panic so bad in the first place. Maybe then he would start to calm down and feel better. With a plan in mind, Joshua nodded to himself and rushed to the bathroom where he knew the first aid kit was kept, wanting to be away from Benrey for as little time as possible. 

After scrubbing off the bit of blood that was still staining his skin with some warm water, and wincing a bit from the friction, he quickly dried his knee off and placed a bandaid over the wound. Now it was all covered up and fixed!

And hopefully would not cause Benrey to get worse… 

Joshua rushed back to his room, Benrey thankfully still in the same spot and just as out of it as he was before. A determined look crossed the young boy’s face as he swiftly got to work. Carefully grabbing the man’s arm, Joshua shook the limb to see if he could snap him out of his panicked state this way. 

“Benrey? You okay?”

Nothing. No response. 

Dejection set in for a moment before Joshua brushed his feelings to the side, focusing on continuing with his next plan. Still holding onto Benrey’s arm, he started trying to pull the man towards his bed. Of course, there were several problems with this plan, like the fact that Joshua lacked the real strength to move the catatonic man, but to his surprise, his actions garnered a response. 

Granted, it was only Benrey looking at him, eyes still blank and breathing uneasy, but it was something!

Joshua smiled at the progress and got to work on trying to get him to move. It took some time, and careful maneuvering combined with some soft-spoken suggestions, but eventually he was able to achieve his goal. 

Once Benrey was finally settled on his bed, Joshua got to work doing what he could to help him feel comfortable. A weighted blanket was placed on his shoulders and a stuffed animal was placed in his arms, Benrey instinctively tightly holding onto the toy and rubbing the soft, warm fur. 

Slowly but surely, Benrey started to calm down. First, his breathing began to slow, returning to a more normal pace, and then the trembling eventually came to a halt. Encouraged by these hopeful changes, Joshua stayed glued to his side, softly humming under his breath as he kicked his legs. 

He would wait for Benrey, no matter how long it took. 

Fortunately, the man was slowly roused from his frightened state, awareness returning to him. His eyes opened and he blinked slowly, as if he was just waking up from a dream, before glancing at the worried boy beside him. Benrey mumbled, voice strangely quiet and weak. 

“joshie?”

“Mhm?” Joshua paused in the kicking of his legs in order to look up at the man, eyes wide and full of worry. “You feeling better, Benrey?”

“... yeah.” He replied after thinking about how best to respond. “thanks for… uh, helping me out and stuff. real pro gamer move.”

Joshua beamed at his words, mood brightening in an instant, and he opened his mouth to ask if the man needed anything. However, before he could start speaking, Benrey continued his train of thought. 

“you... you shouldn’t have to… deal with this. with me. i’m sorry.” He mumbled as he huddled up in the blanket, hiding his face from view. He felt… 

_Like a disappointment, pathetic he had forced Joshua to deal with his problem, sad to know that the boy had seen him in such a state, angry with himself-_

Bad. 

He felt really, really bad. 

Benrey was snapped out of his mental torment by the sensation of someone touching his knee. He jolted and looked back at Joshua, easily noticing how much more concerned the boy had gotten in response to his silence. 

He winced. 

He didn’t want to make Joshie feel bad, too.

Then again, that was practically his specialty at this point. Making people feel bad. How many times had he made Gordon rage, shout and curse, or breakdown due to his shenanigans. How many times had he felt Tommy’s silent disappointment and the weight of the team pressing down upon him. 

How many times would he make Joshie feel bad-

“oof!” The sudden weight against his side knocked both those thoughts from Benrey’s mind, as well as the air from his lungs. He wheezed softly as he instinctively wrapped an arm around Joshua.

Joshua, who had in a moment of brilliance, decided to fling himself at the man in order to hug him. 

“Don’t think sad things.” Joshua insisted as he buried his face into Benrey’s shoulder. 

“i’m not-” Benrey started to object before the boy continued speaking.

“You are sad! Dad gets the same look on his face when he thinks about sad stuff.” The boy huffed, clinging tightly to Benrey. “Like… when he and mom first split up, he always looked so sad. Like he had done something bad and felt guilty.”

Well, this conversation had taken quite the accidental, serious turn. Rarely had he ever heard Joshua talk about the divorce, same with Gordon and Shea. From what he knew the family had managed to cope quite well with the two adults separating, but dramatic shows about breakups, the law, and hospitals, had shown him that humans generally did not feel good after such a thing, and the last thing he wanted was for Joshua to linger and think about potentially bad stuff. Time to talk and change topics, even if he did not want to. 

“i... i’m supposed to-to watch over you and stuff. keep you safe, but… but i didn’t. that’s bad.”

“But it’s not your fault! You didn’t do anything bad!” Joshua objected, backing up a bit so he could look Benrey in the eye, despite the man doing his best to avoid eye contact. His fingers dug deeply into the plushie, and his breathing grew faster. 

_He messed up, he messed up, he messed up-_

Seeing that the conversation was going to go nowhere with Benrey getting all panicked, the young boy decided it would be best to stay quiet for now and help him relax. The last thing he wanted was for Benrey to feel sad or guilty, he had seen enough of that when his father and mother apologized to him for their separation, and it always made Joshua feel weird. 

Nothing bad was happening to _him_ , if anything it was nice to see his parents become happier, to see them less stressed. He wanted Benrey to be happy, for him to never have to go through a panic attack like that again. 

But… that also meant he would need help that Joshua could not provide. He needed the stuff that helped his dad, adult things he knew little about, but hopefully his dad would know something about how to help. 

As Benrey slowly calmed down from his second panic attack, Joshua spoke up once more, wanting to talk about one last thing before he left the man alone to rest and recover. 

“Benrey… can I tell dad about what happened?” 

The question made Benrey immediately cringe in discomfort, ducking his head and hiding himself under more of the blanket until only his glowing eyes were visible. 

“you... uh, you gotta do that?”

“Dad knows more about this kinda stuff, so he’d be able to help!” 

Help…? With… whatever that was? With his fears? The thought of such a thing was unsettling to say the least. In all his years, Benrey had never actively sought out help, his interactions with Gordon being outliers of course. 

What would being helped entail, anyways? Would Gordon try to get him to go to therapy, something that would never, _ever_ truly be able to help him, or would the physicist push him to find help from other sources. 

“you sure you wanna bother feetman about this?” Benrey asked, wanting to both distract himself from the darker thoughts lurking in the back of his mind, and out of genuine curiosity. “you... you really wanna help? why?” 

“Because I don’t want you to feel bad, and dad doesn’t either.” Joshua replied, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. “You’re important to us, you’re dad’s gamer boyfriend! And my… uh, I’m not sure, but you’re still family, and family helps family!”

“... joshie, bro, you-you’re breaking my heart, my man.” Benrey mumbled as he sent the boy a shaky smile. He still felt fairly drained from his two panic attacks, especially since he could feel the lingering dread and fear, but he did his best to push it to the side for now. 

Later, he could deal with it later. 

… Hopefully with Gordon. 

“So that’s a yes?” 

“yuuuuuuup, it’s a pog-ya.” The man grinned as he reached out to ruffle the boy’s hair. “you... you did good joshie, real good, with the uhhhhhhh helping and stuff. emotions are bleck, super unpoggers.”

Eyes full of love and support, Joshua leaned forward and hugged Benrey. “It’s okay to not be okay. Dad says it’s healthy to cry when you feel really sad and to ask for help when you need it.”

“... feetman’s got a point sometimes.” He was unable to fully suppress the tears that quickly built up in the corners of his eyes, the words hitting home for some strange reason.

_It’s okay to not be okay._

_It’s okay to ask for help._

_It’s okay to cry._

A string of dull sweet voice escaped Benrey, and Joshua hugged him even tighter. This was the _worst_ time to be having such an emotional revelation, but then again he supposed there was no good time to contemplate facing such a vulnerable part of him, to think about addressing his fears and emotions. 

Emotions he had tried so hard to suppress, to hide, but always bubbled up and hurt him in the end. 

You couldn’t run from your own shadow, after all. 

“know when feetman’s gonna be back?” He asked as he let out a quiet sigh, more of that dull sweet voice filling the air. He felt so tired, so drained. All he wanted was to take a nap and wake up in twenty years. 

… Not that he could, of course. Too many games to play and too many special moments between him, Joshie, and Gordon he would miss. 

“Nope.” Joshua replied while shaking his head. “Want me to stay?”

_Damn this kid could be so observant._

“... can if you wanna.” Benrey muttered while flopping onto his side and hiding himself more under the blanket, making the signature _benrrito_ they all knew and loved. 

Rather than verbally respond, Joshua just scooted over a bit so he was leaning against Benrey’s back. After cuddling up to the exhausted man, he started humming. 

The tune was simple, soft, and definitely from some Sonic game that Benrey could not identify at the moment. It was one of the older ones, that was for sure, older in the context of the series’ lifespan rather than actual age, and it helped him calm down further. 

Slowly, his eyes began to shut and his breathing evened out. The tension that had gripped his body faded, and the chill that had taken over him began to fade due to the warmth of the blanket combined with Joshua’s presence. 

He was still scared. Scared of his reaction to the _bl-_

… 

The red stuff that was _definitely_ not cherry sauce, and he was scared of what that reaction meant. He was scared to think about such things, things he had never contemplated before. 

Scared to confront what he had ignored for so long. But, even with this fear, he would try. 

_It’s okay to ask for help._

He would try. Try for Joshua, for Gordon, and just maybe for himself, too. 

**Author's Note:**

> God, every character I write needs therapy XD
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed reading!
> 
> \- ImmortalCoelacanth


End file.
